I am a moving failure. Don't get attached to me for any reason. I will disappoint you. Everyone disappoints me and I disappoint everyone. It's just the way it works.
I have a love-hate relationship with food. I don't know if I love it and it hates me or if I hate it and it loves me. I don't know. All I know is it defines me. I claim I control it ,but truth is I don't. Most of the times it fucks me up and all I can do is obey. Because sometimes it gets angry. And then I bleed. Either from wrist or mouth. I don't like to drive it mad. I must obey. It wants my own good. Well ,sometimes I feel like it destroys me but it does it for my own good ,right? It's mean to people. It says words I'd never say. But maybe I should say them and this is why it tells it. Because I am a coward. But ana&mia are so brave. They say everything. And they want me to be skinny. And when I am skinny I will be happy. They are the ones that care about me. My only friends. And I don't want to disappoint them too. I don't want to fail at this ,too. I will be skinny. I will be pretty. I will be happy.
As long as Ana & Mia care about me ,everything is going to be fine.

Special Olympics.

Today is the opening ceremony of Special Olympics and I am really proud I volunteer and dance there.
I hope I do well ,and I hope I am able to forget what happens at home and enjoy myself. I need to. I fucking need a break.

Expectations.

I am really strict with myself. That's probably because I am perfectionist as I have already said.
Today the results of my FCE lower came out. I got it with an A. I was happy when I heard it and then I saw the papers and was completely disappointed. I saw this :

Reading 

Listening

Exceptional

Use of English ,Speaking

Writing

Good

Borderline

Weak

So reading and listening were exceptional ,use of English and speaking were really close to exceptional while writing was closer to good.
I got 80% which means that if I had one wrong then I would have been marked with a B.
I got so disappointed. Really ,I can't be satisfied.
Today I also got my marks at school which were a failure ,too. In English at school ,at the exams ,i had 17/20. How stupid can I be to do that? In German 19/20. Which I can neither understand. I had 20/20 in Maths and Computers. I was proud of that but all the others were pathetic. 16/20 in physics and 18/20 in chemistry. 11/20 in Ancient Greek. If someone else told me about their marks and they were the above I would be like "Oh ,well done you did quite good". But when it comes to me, I am so strict and so non forgivable.
I also have the other problem with what other people have gotten. For example ,I am sure that my best friend has had a better mark than I have (i mean at the lower because at school I am sure she does ,she always has 19,9/20) and I cannot calm down.
Pff ,this thing destroys me. I always whine because other people have great expectations from me but I am among them ,too. I have great expectations of me as well ,because my parents and family have always told me how smart and capable of everything I am. But I am probably much stupider than they thought ,much stupider than everyone believes. I am just a normal person with a normal IQ but I will never stop having expectations. Because I was taught to believe I am intelligent. And this is why it hurts too much to fail or be rejected.

Something is wrong with me. I know it. I just do.
I was never diagnosed but I struggle with eating issues this year.
I am not extremely skinny or extremely fat. I am not extremely sad neither extremely happy. I am not extremely short nor tall. I am not extremely behaving as an anorexic neither as a bulimic. I am not extremely beautiful or extremely ugly. I am not extremely smart or extremely stupid. I am just not extremely anything. I look so normal while inside I am just so fucked up. No one will ever believe I have a problem and no one will ever see it.
I thought I wanted the attention but I don't. I thought I was doing it for the attention but I am not seeking it anymore ,I don't even want it.
I have admitted to myself that no one will ever care and I am okay with it. So why don't I just stop the ED thing?
It's the only thing that makes me special and that hurts.

Perfection.

One word ,ten letters.

Some of us reject it ,and claim that it just doesn't exist and that no one can reach it because simply ,it's a myth.

Some argue that the term "perfection" is different to each individual. So ,someone can reach someone else's perfection.

And then there are the other people ,in which I am among ,that fight for it. We would kill to achieve perfection. What's perfect to us ,each individual. But we are trying so hard ,forgetting anything else. Sometimes instead of trying to be perfect ,we try to seem perfect. Often ,we destroy ourselves. But is it worth it? Will we ever reach our perfection or will we be for ever trying?

To me perfection is being extremely skinny ,beautiful ,confident ,smart and funny. I don't think I'll ever be beautiful ... But is it worth trying for?

Probably yes. I try to seem perfect. Maybe in the end 

,I believe I am perfect ,too and I set myself free from dieting ,purging and fasting.

So one day I will be able to say "I was perfect"

New blog

because the other one was TOO fucked up.
So ,welcome. I am Ada ,probably EDnos or bulimic (not diagnosed).
My life is getting fucked up at the moment and i just need to get it out of my chest.
It's my blog and my thoughts. Of course I will accept different opinions but I will not accept judgement or criticism.
I do a lot of shit in my life. Happy shit ,sad shit.
This is kind of a diary or I don't know what.
So ,welcome .